Right, I’m going to throw this out there…

This subject popped into my mind over the weekend after a brief, random discussion with my sister (‘cos that’s how we roll, people) and I felt it was of such significant importance that I would write about it right here, right now.

What is the point of thongs?

A harsh little creation (no doubt invented by men) that causes much discomfort to women but is marketed as advantageous due to the wonder of not having a visible pantyline under your trousers or skirt.

Very few women look fabulous in a thong- I’m not being bitchy when I say this, just honest. They are not the most flattering of garments. I don’t have a washboard stomach, I’m curvy so if I wore one, they would sink into my hips like dental floss sinking into a sponge. I don’t wear them anymore but as a teenager back in the nineties, they were all the rage. Every girl and woman wore them under their clothes and I also was seduced by this alluring strip of lingerie and wore them thinking they would make me look (and feel) like a million dollars. Well, that was a load of guff, wasn’t it? Despite the thin piece of fabric snaking up towards Destination Backside, I persevered and carried on wearing them until one day I thought, enough is enough (is enough, I can’t go on, I can’t go on…sorry. Got a bit carried away there).

And there is the alarming realisation that- and there is no way I can sugar-coat this… farting is an issue when you wear a thong. Yes, I said it. Any men who are reading this, don’t be alarmed. I know you all think women don’t behave this way and I hate to break it to you in such so callously, but it’s true. I’m a lady so such times were a rarity. I mean, Sisqo sang fondly about thongs in his infamous ‘Thong Song’ but he’s never had to wear one, has he!

Of course, some women will read this and slate every word I’ve written and indeed, if you go into any lingerie department, these garments sell by the truckload. Now I am not proposing that we women worldwide burn every thong ever made (though that is not a bad idea). It’s just that I have worn them and just don’t understand why some women torture themselves with such a contraption. ‘Oh, I feel sexy when I wear one,’ they cry. ‘No VPL under my trousers!’ But there are plenty of different styles that provide this vital selling point. With bigger knickers, you don’t have to keep fixing yourself up while trying to maintain your ladylike demeanour.

I don’t know- the things we women (and some men, though I really don’t want to imagine such a vision) wear for vanity’s sake.

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