Prince William & Kate (sorry, Catherine) are ‘avin’ a bay-bay! Mucho congrats and while I cannot seem to get this song out of my head regarding all this madness, let’s try and hear it for Our Kate as she is not exactly celebrating at the moment- she is suffering with ‘acute morning sickness’, the poor love.

And so for the next nine months, the whole of Great Britain will be on ‘ROYAL BABYWATCH’ (the capital letters are important for that is how it will be on every newsroom ticker-tape) whether we like it or not. The news only broke this afternoon and already there’s been wall-to-wall coverage on rolling news channels, cameramen deployed outside the ultra-private hospital where she is staying and every Royal reporter past and present and future, any doctor remotely involved in baby births or anyone who has spoken to or stood next to Kate since she got up the duff has been foisted upon us via the glare of the cameras.

Every single day this story will get top billing, while taxes get hiked up to a new level on the quiet. Probably.

But I am not knocking them, I sincerely wish them all the best. And I’m hoping everything is, ahem, as it should be. We do not want any ructions that result in Jeremy Kyle or Maury Povich turning up at the bedside during Kate’s contractions, declaring ‘William, you are NOT the father’. That child will be the heir(ess) to the heir of the throne, the great-grandchild of the Queen, so (s)he will want for absolutely nothing. Blue Ivy Carter ain’t got nothing on this bay-bay. A trademarked name and being part of hip-hop royalty is good, but it doesn’t come close to being Royal blueblood.

Personally, I’m on ‘hip-watch’, as Kate hasn’t exactly got child-bearing hips. But now she’ll definitely get some, along with (as the late great Bernie Mac once described) ‘swollen-ass ankles’ but at least she doesn’t have to waddle home with her shopping on the bus. She’s got her people for that, all she has to do is give them a shopping list. And this means she has a valid excuse not to go on trips abroad promoting the monarchy, instead she can stay at home eating cereal from the box or biscuits by the pack while watching crap daytime TV. Win-win!

Here’s hoping that when the newborn is unveiled to the world that they have a bit of fun doing so. Some genius wrote on an online forum that maybe “they could present the baby to the media like Rafiki did to Simba at the start of the Lion King, complete with Circle of Life playing in the background”. Highly unlikely to occur but if- and it’s a big if -this happens, the word ‘epic’ would be an understatement. Every celebrity around the world would be shouting and hollering at the TV with rage and downright, green-eyed envy if they did that. I’d be hollering too…with laughter.

© G. Holder 2012


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