Review of the Day.

Oh dear. I think she meant to write ‘easy combing’


Bad Cat!

Despite its owner shouting ‘Nononono!’ at what it is about to do, this hairy little feline gave the baddest, I-do-not-give-a-toss stare, toying with her feelings before tossing the glass over the edge of the table. This is one shady-ass cat.

Bae Humbug.

‘Merry new year!’ as Eddie Murphy yelled in Trading Places.

One thing I hope for in 2015 is that the word ‘bae’ disappears forevermore. Oh, how I hate that word. An abbreviation of ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ and is- in my opinion -one of the worst words in the world. It sounds so awkward, like the person is lacking a vocabulary or too lazy to finish the whole word.

Why would you need to shorten a word like babe into something that makes you sound like a strangled sheep? Even on paper or on screen, it looks clumsy. I cant stand it, it makes me cringe as it is such a bastard of a word. Just say ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ or ‘boo’. That’ll do! It’s as awful as ‘chillax’, which makes me itch (do you know anyone who actually says this word? I don’t). And of course there is ‘my bad’, which has infiltrated the English language and has me despairing for mankind when someone uses it. The day you hear me use that term, slap me. I would rather say ‘my mistake’ or ‘sorry’ than say that.

Years ago, Take That soared to number one in the charts with a song called ‘Babe’. It was during the height of their fame first time round and all made all the girls in my secondary school (except me) swoon and cry at the same time while breathlessly insisting, ‘Mark Owen is singing it to meeee!’ No he wasn’t, dear. (And don’t get me started on the mayhem that occurred when they split up). Can you imagine if they remade it and called it ‘Bae’? I’m not giving Barlow et al any ideas but I laugh and shudder at the thought. Or ‘Baby Baby Baby’ by the legendary TLC renamed as ‘Bae Bae Bae’? Ooh, it makes me want to vomit.

Here’s hoping that it disappears from view over the course of 2015, because I do not want to hear that it has been included in the Oxford Dictionary at the end of the year in their list of ‘words that we will include to make us look trendy’. Hell no.

Who Wants a Sandwich?

The Daily Mail has got its knickers in a twist again. Their front page headline this morning was as thus: ‘IS THERE NO ONE LEFT IN BRITAIN WHO CAN MAKE A SANDWICH?’
Apparently, a British-based sandwich manufacturer is having to employ Eastern Europeans to make their sandwiches as the Brits offered these jobs think they are too good for such roles. So the next time you buy a sandwich from the likes of M&S, Tesco or Asda, it might be made by (gasp!) people not from British shores. Clutch your pearls, middle England!

This story was of such national importance that the Mail splashed it on their front page, but who gives a shit? All I care about is that the sandwich looks and tastes good and is at a decent price. Whether they are from Portsmouth or Poland makes no difference to me- I just hope that the sandwich maker has damn good hygiene.

And to be honest, the Brits are not exactly the best sandwich makers. Before some of you all start frothing at the mouth with rage, I speak from experience. My mum used to make me delicious sandwiches for my packed lunches at school. Everyday, my friends salivated with hunger and envy as they looked at their unappealing cheese sandwich- an abnormally bright yellow slither (or slab, depending on how it was cut) of cheese wedged between two triangular slices of pasty white bread. No wonder they would throw them in the bin and go to the chippy instead. But I digress.

Obviously there are plenty of decent sandwich makers in Blighty but the Daily Mail cannot throw their hands in the air in despair when people decide they do not want to take on such jobs. It is such a ludicrous, bombastic headline designed to get people even more het up on a Monday morning than they usually are. It’s almost like they are doing UKIP’s job for them. The people that are coming to fill these roles (and the sandwiches) are not too precious to do so and good for them. And anyway, I can make a mean sandwich and so long as I still have that skill, this country is in good hands.