Show Love.

Today is World Mental Health Day so I wrote this. 💛

Show love and be kind to yourself,

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else

It is futile and makes no sense

(I know this from personal experience).

Life is not supposed to be a race

We’re all slightly odd, there’s no disgrace

If you’re feeling down and lost and low

And you feel there’s nowhere you can go

Or no one to talk to, take a look around

There’s always an outlet to be found

That’s available, so try and take heed

Whenever you’re ready or feel the need

Sometimes in life, the shit hits the fan

And ruins all your best made plans

It might sound trite but be positive,

Because you’ve got so much to give. 

© G. Holder 2016.

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Bake Off Blues.

So Bake Off goes on without Mary Berry

No Mel & Sue either- it’s all so very

Abrupt but it was inevitable,

But still, the outcome is incredible,

Paul is the only quarter of the pie

That’s staying in place but I’m not surprised,

He’s a bit of a (Bakewell) tart and I couldn’t see him leaving

But still next year’s series will have viewers disbelieving.

Some say they won’t watch when it moves to Channel 4

They’ll show no love and leave it forevermore

But I cannot lie- I’ll watch it to see

The new format, the new presenters- I’m interested to a degree

I’m hoping it doesn’t change too much

But with The Big Three departing, the viewers will clutch

Onto anything familiar that remains

But with commercial breaks included, it won’t be the same.

No more soggy bottoms, the innuendo depends

On the new presenters and how they blend

Into the show- I wonder who they’ll pick from the crop?

(Please God, don’t let it be Kirstie Allsopp).

 

Sixteen Stops.

I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine
One each of rosé and white combined,
I’m feeling tired and slightly drowsy
On the train but won’t get rowdy
‘Cos that is indefensible,
And acting that way isn’t sensible
My stomach is empty, for I didn’t eat
What was I thinking? Must not repeat
This foolish idea, don’t be so bold,
Lord have mercy I’m so damn cold
I want my bed and I want some food
Sex would be nice, but I’m not in the mood.
I’m still far from home, another sixteen stops
Maybe they’ll fly by- fingers crossed.
The train driver can’t drive well at all,
Sends us flying and down we fall
As he slams on the brakes for no good reason,
Leaves on the line? Well, it’s the season.
It’s getting late but I’m almost there
Trying to be patient but I’m going spare
Come on! Get me home, no time to waste,
Got things to do and food to taste,
I’m trying to fight the sleepyness
So let me get home and eat and rest.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Although I don’t think I’ve quite captured the essence of the occasion…

The Vamp.

She rests her hand upon her hip,
Her nails are on point,
The colour so vampish, she knows it’ll put
The bitch at work’s nose out of joint.
She smacks her lips together so
Her lipstick is evenly spread,
‘You need to jazz yourself up a bit,’
That’s what her mother said.
The bitch at work called her frumpy,
Was what she wore that bad?
And who is she to judge anyway?
She’s into stupid fads
And she always manages to make them look
So vulgar and so cheap,
I’ll show her, she thought, I’ll look so damn good
That she’ll want to weep.
She smoothes down her red skirt
And presses her lips once more,
Then nods at her reflection in the mirror before
She struts on out the door.

Bond Song Gone Wrong.

Alas and alack, the new Bond theme has premiered- Writing’s On the Wall by Sam Smith. All I can say is I have no desire to listen to it again. Why? I hear you ask.

It is DULL. Seriously dull. How on earth was such a boring song chosen to be a Bond theme? Now, I have no problem with Smith himself- I know for some people, his voice is like Marmite (you love him or hate him), but this song is a dirge. Where is the fire, the passion, the sass? Damn it, where is the sexiness and sensuality that were in abundance in the majestic previous Bond theme, Skyfall? In fact, after I managed to listen to Writing’s On the Wall in its entirety, I put Skyfall on and was amazed at how brilliant it still is and how marvellous Adele sounded and how much it craps all over the new song (in case you wondered, it’s all over it like a bunch of pigeons on Trafalgar Square).      

I am so disappointed because when the one minute snippet of Skyfall was released the day before its world premiere, I was curious to hear it but wasn’t expecting it to be a classic.How wrong was I? I found myself listening to it on a loop for a day and a half until the full song came out. I thought it was- and still is -utterly magnificent and one of the best Bond themes ever.

I’m not a Bond film aficionado but I know my Bond theme songs and there are few which I would consider to be classics. Goldfinger (of course), Goldeneye, A View To A Kill, Licence To Kill. I adored Tomorrow Never Dies by Sheryl Crow. I liked Chris Cornell’s You Know My Name because it sounded different and in-your-face compared to the usual Bond themes, yet it worked. I also have a soft spot for Madonna’s Die Another Day, an underrated song lambasted by people who were snobbish about how a Bond theme should sound, although let’s not discuss Another Way To Die because that song was a mistake.

This is how dire the situation is: I have  found myself wondering how the song will fit in with the opening title sequence and I never do that.
Writing’s On the Wall is similar to Smith’s old song Stay With Me- it starts off promisingly then peters out into nothingness, plodding along when instead, it should reach a triumphant and satisfying ending. 

According to Smith’s tweet, the song is already number one on the iTunes charts. I’m not sure why because it really does not deserve it. Skyfall only reached number two (you FOOLS!), so for this blandness to get all the credit that its predecessor should have got would be wrong in my eyes. It looks like social media sees the song the way that I do: a Bond theme that is as flat as a pancake and not up to scratch.

Humpty Numpty.

So Raheem Sterling wants to leave Liverpool, does he? Well, there’s a surprise. The news broke last night and while there was an air of inevitability about it, the reasons he gave behind his decision (which has not been confirmed but all parties are acting like it’s official) makes me hope he fails miserably wherever he goes.

The nerve of him to say he felt ‘bullied’ by Liverpool into signing his new contract. Boy, you are twenty and playing for one of the biggest and most historic football clubs in the world. As the legend that is John Barnes beautifully put it earlier today: “He’s a twenty year old boy who’s achieved nothing. He’s won nothing, he’s done nothing.” Tell him, Barnesy, because lord knows his representatives are not.

They offered you £100,000 a week on a plate- the same amount as your new captain, Jordan Henderson. Most people your age would say, ‘where do I sign?’ but you talk about being ‘bullied’- absolute bollocks. The cheek of you to compare big-money contract wrangling to bullying is shameful and typifies the greedy little sod that you are. I could blame your reps for what is going on but, at the end of the day, it’s you giving the green light to all this stuff being quoted in the public domain. If you did not agree, you could say something- much like that bullshit interview you gave to the BBC last month (what we’re you thinking, boy?).

You had one good season, bolstered by the team around you (especially the world-class brilliance of one Luis Suarez) and all of a sudden you think you’re bigger than Liverpool FC? You deluded numpty. You should knuckle down, work your backside off to become a better player and humble yo’self. Instead, you’ll probably be warming the bench of either Chelsea or Man City at some point next season.
          
The reaction across social media and on the radio last night was something else: I’d say around 95% of Liverpool fans want you gone, despite the club insisting that you are not for sale. My opinion is if you want to go, then go. Now. I’m not here for this nonsense dragging on through the whole summer. I sincerely hope you crash and burn career-wise at whatever club you rock up at. When they give you that extra £20k per week in your contract to waste on a new hairstyle, I hope you realise that you will never be as appreciated at another club like you were at ours because they will all see you as trouble.