Pepsi Lost Their Fizz.

The internet has gone bananas about the new Pepsi ad starring Kendall Jenner...and not in a good way. Naturally, I have to throw in my two cents:

First of all, why is this advert nearly three minutes long? Unless it’s a charity appeal, there’s no need for any advert to have that duration.

Secondly, what was the point? I watched it thrice and still didn’t get it. I thought it was a parody. It was like a stylised, ultra glossy version of an American protest, with extra layers of FA-SHUN added by bringing Ms Jenner to the mix. 

What were Pepsi thinking? I wasted my time watching something that felt like a very colourful Gap ad or a music video than a pointed illustration of modern American life.

The advert was utterly pointless. Even if they were attempting to make a point (and I still don’t know what that was), this was probably the dumbest way to do it. Was there no person of colour at Pepsi HQ (or any person, in fact) who could have said, ‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ 

Who decided that little ‘Wonder Woman’ bit where Jenner whipped off her wig was a slice of genius? It only succeeded in making me laugh. The fist bump between her and the black guy dancing throughout was cringeworthy, as was the mini-flirting with the violinist who cannot sip properly from a can of Pepsi. But let’s be honest, the entire ad was two minutes and forty-six seconds of cringe and I’m still trying to figure out WHAT THE FRIGGING POINT OF IT WAS. 

So if peaceful protestors of the past such as Martin Luther King and Malcolm X had a Pepsi on their person, maybe the powers-that-be would have been more sympathetic to their plight? If Black Lives Matter had a Pepsi multipack, things might have been less problematic? If only real life was as simple as handing a fizzy drink to a member of the riot police, eh? Why did Pepsi think they could crowbar themselves into this issue and turn it into something palatable, edgy and trendy (ugh)? It’s as bad as that time Sky Sports turned their Super Sunday credits into WAG Central: an unrecognisable football crowd full of gorgeous model-esque women, suited blokes and happy families all waving their hands to ‘Loving Each Day’ by Ronan Keating, with not a single regular-looking football fan in sight. 

Pepsi released an apology which only apologised to Kendall Jenner rather than those who complained about the ad- why I do not know. Ms Jenner is twenty years old. She is not a child. She can make her own decisions regarding which projects she takes on and those she does not, so why they aimed their apology at her and her alone is weird. 

Seriously Pepsi, stick to what you’re good at. In fact, all big brands should probably do so unless they’re absolutely sure they have got their message right. I’m not looking to you to make a statement on the world today- I want you to carry on making mindless and insanely expensive adverts that I can roll my eyes at and not expect anything other than you selling your cold beverage to me through heavy-handed product placement. Trivialising the protests of recent times into happy vignettes of aesthetically-pleasing young people in technicolor (I saw no diversity in terms of age in that crowd at all) walking through sun-drenched streets clutching cans of your drink is not the one.

© isanynamefree 2017


A Low Blow.

This week, a heartwarming story has been floating around (and a video if you care to see it) about a young British girl who gave blow jobs to 24 men in a bar in Magaluf for a bottle of cava. Beautiful.

I have seen the video and it is so depressing. This girl runs around some seedy, dingy bar like a blue-arsed fly while a bunch of ruddy-faced men whip their cocks out. Unwashed, skanky, dirty bollocks out in the open air for a two-second suck.

At this point, some of you will probably go “Oh, you’re such a prude!” but I don’t give a shit. I’m well aware that Magaluf is not a part of the world where everybody is chaste and clutching their rosary beads, but the whole thing is wrong on so many levels:

1. All these blokes appear unwashed and she is all over their sweaty penises like it’s an everyday thing. Where’s the quality control??

2. She has no idea where they have been or who they’ve plunged their penises in before she started giving mouth-to-mouth. They could be swimming with STD’s. After she has finished, she could be getting a round of applause in more than one way.*

3. Girl, you are on camera. Your filthy exploits are on t’internet for the whole world to see and there is no way of erasing it. It’s on newspaper sites, been shared on social media, everywhere. And if the person who filmed you was a friend, then I hate to tell you…you have no real friends.

4. This kind of thing does not empower you as a woman. Behaving like this in public is not an illustration of you owning your sexuality. Nothing wrong with getting your freak on, but behind closed doors. It does not leave you empowered- it cheapens you. Whatever happened to leaving things to the imagination?

Mind you, I once saw an episode of Ibiza Uncovered where a pair of harlots went out on a Saturday night. One of them boasted that she had pierced her private parts and then allowed some random man to touch them up on camera and in full view of the whole main square. I sat slack-jawed at witnessing such nastiness.

The sad thing is there are quite a few young girls and women who think this isn’t a problem. But this girl must be stupid because that footage will stick with her forever and likely affect her chances of employment and other things. Back in the day that kind of thing could be done anonymously. Now everyone has a camera/video phone and uploads stuff on t’internet, things are very different.

I’m sure this girl will turn up in one of the Sunday tabloids in the morning after selling her story for nowhere near enough money. She will probably think it’s worth it as she’s getting paid, possibly end up having a stint on next year’s Big Brother, but her reputation will be sullied for a long time. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

*the clap, or gonorrhoea, as it’s otherwise known. Hence the term ‘a round of applause’, which is Cockney rhyming slang.