Sixteen Stops.

I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine
One each of rosé and white combined,
I’m feeling tired and slightly drowsy
On the train but won’t get rowdy
‘Cos that is indefensible,
And acting that way isn’t sensible
My stomach is empty, for I didn’t eat
What was I thinking? Must not repeat
This foolish idea, don’t be so bold,
Lord have mercy I’m so damn cold
I want my bed and I want some food
Sex would be nice, but I’m not in the mood.
I’m still far from home, another sixteen stops
Maybe they’ll fly by- fingers crossed.
The train driver can’t drive well at all,
Sends us flying and down we fall
As he slams on the brakes for no good reason,
Leaves on the line? Well, it’s the season.
It’s getting late but I’m almost there
Trying to be patient but I’m going spare
Come on! Get me home, no time to waste,
Got things to do and food to taste,
I’m trying to fight the sleepyness
So let me get home and eat and rest.




Noticed this the other day. An unfortunate spelling mistake in the instructions for my microwave, made even funnier by my mum’s attempts to pronounce it.

ETA: This post is so good, I posted it twice! I didn’t realise that I already blogged this last weekend. And there I was thinking I was being original!

Revised Resolutions

On New Year’s Day I, like many other people, made a list of resolutions that I want to achieve this year. While they are still relevant (one of my aims is to stop swearing so much), I now realise that it is the simple things that matter when making such announcements. Therefore, my resolutions have whittled down and are now as follows:


1. Maintain a positive mental attitude.

For some, this comes naturally and I am a positive person most of the time but there are people on this planet whose sole aim is to test you, to start arguments and be a general nuisance. So it is important not to let the bastards get you down and know that for every arsehole you meet on the street or speak to on the phone, I’d say there are about five good people, one or two of whom may brighten your day in some way. Smile and think about whatever makes you happy or that you feel enthusiastic about. For me, this usually involves music or remembering a joke or anecdote which leaves me convulsing with laughter.

Although there will be situations which may leave you feeling aggrieved and generally fucked off (told you I need to cut out the swearing) and I heartily endorse healthy doses of realism and cynicism, positivity is key. Be good to your fellow person, even if that person is a prize prat, because to kill them with kindness will hurt them far more than a volley of abuse. So smile and think of things that make you do just that. Which leads me merrily on to number two…


2. Be happy and healthy.

(See above for the ‘happy’ bit.)

Meanwhile, the healthy part is underway- I have started using my exercise bike and can confirm that I am as unfit as I thought. Even though I walk ten minutes from the train station to my workplace at least three days a week and go for a walk at lunchtime, cycling on my bike left me a sweaty, breathless mess hellbent on boosting my endurance limits and persevering. I calculated that I am overweight by using my complex weight gain detection method (i.e.: my jeans are too tight and I’m wearing leggings more often, as jeggings, stiff cotton and my wide waist don’t mix). My willpower leaves a lot to be desired but I aim to curb my gluttony and be more measured with what I eat, especially when it comes to sugar. Damn my sweet tooth!


3. Be proactive.

Because I’ll admit that in the past, I waited for things to fall into my lap instead of being a go-getter. This was usually down to lack of self belief, fear of the unknown and/or not wanting to upset the applecart, so I would sit back and think ‘It’s ok, I will wait’ instead of being decisive and taking control. Every year that passed by where I said, ‘I’m gonna do an exercise class or a course or something’, would lead to my family and friends rolling their eyes as my indecision proved my undoing. Where others would leap into something new, I would ‘umm’ and ‘ahh’ about any-and-everything until I ended up doing nothing. Well, this year will be different- I plan on trying new things- some of which I will document on here -as there is so much I want to achieve. So no more procrastination as it’s a bitch and I have met her many times.

So in a few months, I’ll hopefully have lost some weight, become fitter and healthier and more of a risk-taker. That’s not to say I’ll start bungee-jumping or anything as mad as that, but I will be taking the plunge a lot more. Amen to that.