A Low Blow.

This week, a heartwarming story has been floating around (and a video if you care to see it) about a young British girl who gave blow jobs to 24 men in a bar in Magaluf for a bottle of cava. Beautiful.

I have seen the video and it is so depressing. This girl runs around some seedy, dingy bar like a blue-arsed fly while a bunch of ruddy-faced men whip their cocks out. Unwashed, skanky, dirty bollocks out in the open air for a two-second suck.

At this point, some of you will probably go “Oh, you’re such a prude!” but I don’t give a shit. I’m well aware that Magaluf is not a part of the world where everybody is chaste and clutching their rosary beads, but the whole thing is wrong on so many levels:

1. All these blokes appear unwashed and she is all over their sweaty penises like it’s an everyday thing. Where’s the quality control??

2. She has no idea where they have been or who they’ve plunged their penises in before she started giving mouth-to-mouth. They could be swimming with STD’s. After she has finished, she could be getting a round of applause in more than one way.*

3. Girl, you are on camera. Your filthy exploits are on t’internet for the whole world to see and there is no way of erasing it. It’s on newspaper sites, been shared on social media, everywhere. And if the person who filmed you was a friend, then I hate to tell you…you have no real friends.

4. This kind of thing does not empower you as a woman. Behaving like this in public is not an illustration of you owning your sexuality. Nothing wrong with getting your freak on, but behind closed doors. It does not leave you empowered- it cheapens you. Whatever happened to leaving things to the imagination?

Mind you, I once saw an episode of Ibiza Uncovered where a pair of harlots went out on a Saturday night. One of them boasted that she had pierced her private parts and then allowed some random man to touch them up on camera and in full view of the whole main square. I sat slack-jawed at witnessing such nastiness.

The sad thing is there are quite a few young girls and women who think this isn’t a problem. But this girl must be stupid because that footage will stick with her forever and likely affect her chances of employment and other things. Back in the day that kind of thing could be done anonymously. Now everyone has a camera/video phone and uploads stuff on t’internet, things are very different.

I’m sure this girl will turn up in one of the Sunday tabloids in the morning after selling her story for nowhere near enough money. She will probably think it’s worth it as she’s getting paid, possibly end up having a stint on next year’s Big Brother, but her reputation will be sullied for a long time. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

*the clap, or gonorrhoea, as it’s otherwise known. Hence the term ‘a round of applause’, which is Cockney rhyming slang.

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Key (Stage 3) Change.

So Michael Gove is apparently planning to change the permitted texts for English GCSE. Novels such as ‘Of Mice and Men’ (which he allegedly hates), ‘The Crucible’ (which I thought was an interesting read) and ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ will make way for books by British authors- an idea that was lambasted by many people on Twitter today as “archaic”, “xenophobic” and “wretched”.

I don’t really agree with his stance as it’s all a bit restricting and not encouraging pupils to open their eyes and read texts from further afield. The world is a global community now, so we cannot just ignore things because they are not British. Also, I had no idea that the Education Secretary could pick and choose which texts could be studied on the English syllabus- who knew they had that much power? I certainly didn’t.

That said, if Gove banned ‘The Great Gatsby’, I’d be happy- I HATED that book. A dull book about dull, spoilt, irritating people who were as endearing as a bout of piles. The film was just as bad- not the recent remake with Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m talking the one starring Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. I shudder at how bloody awful it was.

Put Your Hands Where I Can See.

Last weekend Britain was basking in beautiful sunshine. It was blissful but I have a bone to pick with some of the male half of the population and have to make a plea. Guys, for the love of goodness, please stop breaching public decency.

I have no problem with men wearing low slung jeans or trousers but I am sick and tired of seeing young men walking round with their pants showing most of their underpants or bum. Or even worse, walking with their hand(s) down the front of their trousers. I saw a guy yesterday doing just that and wondered since when has it been acceptable to strut around like you have a gun stuffed in your undercrackers?

Do any of you guys realise that this does not make you look hard or attractive- it makes you look like a sex pest. I don’t know if you have heard but there is an invention called pockets. When you don’t know what to do with your hands, you can stuff them in there rather than down the front of your trousers. If I was with a boyfriend¬†there is no way I would let him venture out with me while juggling his bits. It’s slack-looking and classless and some men wonder why they are judged negatively by some people. Well, if you go round looking like a sex fiend, don’t expect them to see you as approachable.

And don’t tell me you do it because it is a part of male behaviour or ‘it’s cold outside’ or some such nonsense. None of those excuses wash with me when it came to that guy. Yesterday was sunny, 24 degrees centigrade, his shorts had pockets. But no, instead of using them like normal people do, he thrust his hands down his front and onto his cock, like the…cock he is. All the while, his woman walked with him like she had no shame. They were at a cashpoint and honestly, he looked like he was sexually harassing her. Not once did I see her say, ‘Take your hands out of there, will ya?’  Grim.