Malfunction!

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Noticed this the other day. An unfortunate spelling mistake in the instructions for my microwave, made even funnier by my mum’s attempts to pronounce it.

ETA: This post is so good, I posted it twice! I didn’t realise that I already blogged this last weekend. And there I was thinking I was being original!

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No More Miss Nicey Nice.

No more people pleasing
Must be more concise,
Always empathising
Stop being so polite.
Fuck other people’s feelings
They never consider your own,
Don’t stutter or mutter any words that  you utter,
Verbally cut them down to the bone.
Knock down that wall that says that you
Should think before you speak,
You’re intelligent and coherent enough
So forget about acting meek,
If your brain freezes and speech seizes
It’s time to cut out that shite
Especially when someone questions you
And you damn well know you’re right.
Sleep on it and wake up tomorrow
With a brand new state of mind,
No more Miss Nicey Nice
Time to kick some behind.

My Week That Was

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last compiled a list so here you go:

Liverpool’s 5-1 demolition of Arsenal at Anfield last Saturday (and their performances this season).
When I checked the Arsenal score after 25 minutes, I thought my phone was playing tricks on me. 4-0 up after 20 minutes?! Mind. Blown. Coming so soon after the brilliant performance in the Merseyside derby as well. We were magnificent. And let me belatedly apologise to the people on the train platform who jumped when I yelled with joy seeing that scoreline, although they’d have done the same if they were in my shoes.

Still on a football tip, West Ham battled to a goalless draw against Chelsea a couple of weeks ago. Post-match, Jose Mourinho moaned about the Hammers’ ‘negative’ approach to the game. Sam Allardyce‘s response to his outburst?:
‘I couldn’t give a shite, to be honest.’
Brilliant.

This story about a missing cat who rocked up three years later. He had been gorging on pasties and pies in a pasty factory. Fat cat, indeed!

The Big Reunion
Second series returned with all the pop heavyweights of the 90s: Damage, A1…and Girl Thing. But all I’m interested in is Eternal. I wanted to be in their group when I was a teenager and my VHS cassette of their videos was ruined because I played ‘Save Our Love’ to destruction. ‘Stay’ will always be a classic- you could wipe everyone’s memory and release it as new and it would still be huge. And Easther should NOT be working in a spa when she’s blessed with such vocal talent.
But who knew boybands and girl groups were such a hotbed of envy and rage? 

Dario G- Sunchyme.
Heard this tune in a pub the other night and it took me back. The video is also amazeballs and strangely emotional.

And finally, let’s end with a couple of pictures. Firstly, I’m not gonna lie, I howled with laughter at this:

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Then there’s this unfortunate spelling mistake written in my microwave instructions. Pretty sure its meant to say ‘function’ but oh dear. Again, I laughed like a drain, especially at my mum trying to pronounce the word…

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Revised Resolutions

On New Year’s Day I, like many other people, made a list of resolutions that I want to achieve this year. While they are still relevant (one of my aims is to stop swearing so much), I now realise that it is the simple things that matter when making such announcements. Therefore, my resolutions have whittled down and are now as follows:

 

1. Maintain a positive mental attitude.

For some, this comes naturally and I am a positive person most of the time but there are people on this planet whose sole aim is to test you, to start arguments and be a general nuisance. So it is important not to let the bastards get you down and know that for every arsehole you meet on the street or speak to on the phone, I’d say there are about five good people, one or two of whom may brighten your day in some way. Smile and think about whatever makes you happy or that you feel enthusiastic about. For me, this usually involves music or remembering a joke or anecdote which leaves me convulsing with laughter.

Although there will be situations which may leave you feeling aggrieved and generally fucked off (told you I need to cut out the swearing) and I heartily endorse healthy doses of realism and cynicism, positivity is key. Be good to your fellow person, even if that person is a prize prat, because to kill them with kindness will hurt them far more than a volley of abuse. So smile and think of things that make you do just that. Which leads me merrily on to number two…

 

2. Be happy and healthy.

(See above for the ‘happy’ bit.)

Meanwhile, the healthy part is underway- I have started using my exercise bike and can confirm that I am as unfit as I thought. Even though I walk ten minutes from the train station to my workplace at least three days a week and go for a walk at lunchtime, cycling on my bike left me a sweaty, breathless mess hellbent on boosting my endurance limits and persevering. I calculated that I am overweight by using my complex weight gain detection method (i.e.: my jeans are too tight and I’m wearing leggings more often, as jeggings, stiff cotton and my wide waist don’t mix). My willpower leaves a lot to be desired but I aim to curb my gluttony and be more measured with what I eat, especially when it comes to sugar. Damn my sweet tooth!

 

3. Be proactive.

Because I’ll admit that in the past, I waited for things to fall into my lap instead of being a go-getter. This was usually down to lack of self belief, fear of the unknown and/or not wanting to upset the applecart, so I would sit back and think ‘It’s ok, I will wait’ instead of being decisive and taking control. Every year that passed by where I said, ‘I’m gonna do an exercise class or a course or something’, would lead to my family and friends rolling their eyes as my indecision proved my undoing. Where others would leap into something new, I would ‘umm’ and ‘ahh’ about any-and-everything until I ended up doing nothing. Well, this year will be different- I plan on trying new things- some of which I will document on here -as there is so much I want to achieve. So no more procrastination as it’s a bitch and I have met her many times.

So in a few months, I’ll hopefully have lost some weight, become fitter and healthier and more of a risk-taker. That’s not to say I’ll start bungee-jumping or anything as mad as that, but I will be taking the plunge a lot more. Amen to that.

RIP Felix Dexter

A comic genius passed away yesterday. Felix Dexter died at the relatively young age of 52.

I grew up watching him and his incredible characters on the much-missed Black British comedy show, The Real McCoy. Nathaniel the African accountant, the unhinged Tube ticket inspector, Douglas the ‘roots and culture’ lawyer, and my favourite, Brother Jeffers the preacher man (clip below). My family and I would cry with laughter throughout. Twitter was awash with warm words and fond memories from comedians, actors and people far and wide who loved and appreciated Dexter’s immense talent. Such a shame and here’s hoping that the BBC provide a worthy tribute to him. RIP.

Newly Natural!

I can now tick off a major part of my ‘Things to do before I’m 35’ list. A couple of days ago, I did something I thought I’d never do. After four years of transitioning, deliberating and copping out while making shit excuses, I finally took the plunge and went natural.

That’s not to say I was confident when I did the Big Chop. Although my hair was two-textured (natural roots with relaxed ends), my hairdresser complimented me on how healthy and soft my hair was, which made me wonder if I was making the right choice. And I’d be a big fat liar if I said I didn’t want to shout ‘STOP’ before he wielded the electric trimmer.

But I knew it was time to venture out of my comfort zone and besides, I’ve done plenty of other things with my hair- bar shaving it all off. Relaxing my hair every few months got repetitive and I was fed up with my hair breaking off. Also my sister recently did the Big Chop and if she could do it, so could I. And I was tired of looking enviously at all the women rocking supremely gorgeous natural hair on the streets of London and beyond.

I have toyed with the natural hair route many times. Usually I stayed loyal to relaxing my hair but was had an on/off relationship with the transitioning method. I once transitioned for a year and then reached a crossroads: to chop or not to chop? So in an act of cowardice, I relaxed my hair. Again. But hair is to experimented with and I want to work with it in its natural state, rather than against it. That’s not to say I’m against relaxer. I decided to go natural because I wanted a change, that’s all. I’m not going to start getting all militant about not using the ‘creamy crack’, it’s a personal choice- whatever works best for you.

When I left the hairdressers that day, I thought I’d be hunching my shoulders up to my ears and feeling nervous about how other people would react. Instead I found myself feeling good- I had a teeny weeny afro! Apart from my mother telling me I look like a member of the Four Tops (thanks a bunch, Ma), I’ve had a mainly positive response to my new style. The main thing is I’m very happy with the outcome and am glad and rather surprised I’ve finally joined the Big Chop club.